my mind and my heart...

my mind is constantly at war with my heart.

disclaimer: i love my parents dearly.

my mother is listening to peter, paul and mary's "this land is your land". my father is currently driving for the limo service, and i feel guilty being THRILLED with this time away from him because EVERY DAY i come home from work, he is here. the retiree is a home body. (now i know where i get it from).

i need decompression time from my job. this year i have been unable to be home before 5pm (with the exception of rare occasions and my precious fridays - i refuse to stay later than 3pm on a friday). whenever i come home, someone is here, and i am forced to close my door and hole up in my room while i process my day and prepare to talk.

is it too much to ask to have a home of my own? where i can hear only the music i want to hear? somewhere that gives me a little more space of my own? somewhere i can light the candles i want to burn? where i can leave something, and when i get back after a 10 or 11 hour day, it will still be there? somewhere i can call MY own? somewhere i can choose the color of the walls and the curtains i hang? somewhere i can express MY own self in the decor? somewhere i choose the carpeting?

i can't help but feel guilty for feeling this way, because as i stated in my disclaimer, i adore my parents. they're great. but i think i could adore them more if i was living down the road 10 minutes from them :)

(thanks for giving me that opportunity this week, rachel and kyle! even though i would much rather be with everyone!!)

i often wonder what God is preparing me for by living at home... still.

i could get a part time job... i technically DO have a part time job mondays, wednesdays and thursdays... it pays well... but i feel like working an additional minimum wage, part time job would further my exhaustion and take away from the energy i am required to have on a daily basis from 7am-4pm. it just doesn't seem worth it.

so, the plan is to stop saving for a few months and pay off some credit card balances i've been carrying for too long. i can write off my student loans in a few more years if i stick with teaching in an inner city school district. (definite bonus to teaching city kids, not sure if my sanity being on the line is worth it, though). pay extra on the (amazing) car (that i am still in love with) in order to pay that off early. cancel the gym membership. go to the cheapest netflix membership available. etc, etc, etc....

i really try to stay positive and see the bright side of things and lean on the Everlasting. BUT... this week has been tough on me. bad things happening to good people. friends making really poor choices. students making more poor choices. family members struggling financially. friends and family members struggles with addiction.

(side note that made me laugh: i proof read this and it originally said "friends and family members struggles with addition". ha! also, WHY is blogger so dumb and changing the size of my font in the middle of this post and then putting it back to normal later in the post? annoying.)

i have klove playing on another tab in my browser and this was playing as i wrote that last paragraph: "there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain and no more fears. there will be a day when the burdens of this palce, will be no more, we will see Jesus face to face, but until that day, we will hold on to you always..."

this post really doesn't have a conclusion, and that bothers my music-teacher-forced-to-additionally-teach-language-arts-and-essay-writing-skills self...... but the ultimate purpose of this blog is to document my heart and thoughts.... so that i can look back and see where i was and where i ended up.

to be continued...

chosen!

about this time last year, i sat on the front porch of my parents' house with kathryn, celebrating the life of a friend of hers that ended much earlier than she had hoped. we sipped pink champagne, and talked about the heavy things that come our way in life.

we talked about anthony, and how he had left his wife kristi behind. how they had been married such a short time. they had their whole life together planned, and they had much to accomplish.

everything kristi had, was stripped away in an instant.

i wondered... how did she move forward? how does she function? she is broken, but her faith is strong, kathryn told me. she knows that anthony's passing is part of God's plan... like it, or not...

i remember that night sharing with kathryn that the Lord had been asking me for quite some time, "Valerie... am I enough?"

while my life circumstances weren't what i was hoping for, they weren't as bad as kristi's... i was honest and i told Kathryn that at that point, i had to say "no"....

to some Christians, that may have been a questionable answer. kathryn reassured me that it was a beautiful answer.

after that conversation and some time of pushing it to the back burner, i did some research on brokenness...

and found that the Bible says that God has a purpose and a plan for each of us.

(well... that's a given...don't we all already know that?)

what i didn't realize was that while He may allow us to have free will, for those whom He wants to use for His purpose - they will be brought to brokenness so that they may serve to glorify Him.

wow... what better purpose in life???

i have said from the day that i graduated from high school that my wish was not to do what i wanted, but what the Lord would have me do... and it took me 8 years to get my teaching degree. the Lord taught me a lot during those 8 years... mostly that for me, the "normal" things for young adults don't happen in the time frame seen fit by society... but in His perfect timing.

why change that now?

i want a husband, and a house with little feet running through it. i want dirty diapers and sleepless nights. i want baby snot and spit up. i want focus on MY family. i want to attend Bible studies and bring my kids to soccer and baseball and gymnastics...

go back to that whole wishing-for-my-life-what-God-wants-and-not-what-i-want thing.

and insert be careful what you wish for [ here ].

i'm standing at a place in life where i never thought i'd be on SO many levels... and while it's a surprise to me, it's not to the One i made a promise to live for.

after all.... i've been chosen...

i can get so caught up in the have nots in my life... i have my days of wanting what i want, when i want it.

i need to be reminded that i have been CHOSEN by HIM to live my life for HIS purpose. not mine!!!

it means that my every need will be supplied. and not necessarily my "wants" in life. am i ok with that? i'm getting there.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i started this blog entry late last night (saturday). wouldn't you know... Pastor Bob McCoy's message today was on being CHOSEN!

the question resonating with me from today's sermon is this: Jesus has said "I have chosen you."... am i going to make Jesus my #1, or will i produce a substitute surrogate?

conflicted.

ever been in a situation that you knew was being orchestrated by the Almighty, yet... it was one of the most difficult situations you have had to deal with in recent memory?

that's where i find myself tonight.

and i'm conflicted.

this past week i made a decision that has been 28 years in the making. while i am excited for what God has in store, i am simultaneously scared to death.

it is said that conflict is necessary in order for change.

the word "change" isn't usually welcome in my vocabulary...

i don't know anything else besides sundays groton heights baptist church.

and now that is gone.

my faith is such a huge part of who i am.

i think about the journey of my faith, and i see the people who have mentored me along my path...

the people who have loved me and seen through my adolescence...

the people who took me under their wing during my teen years.

the people who have been role models to me.

the people who have been Godly examples for me.

the people who i have seen Jesus in.

the people who i look up to, love and respect.

the people who i consider my family.

the family who God has placed in my life... all through the doors of ghbc... whether it has been for a season, or, as in many cases, for as long as i can remember.

it is so incredibly frightening to walk away from my family after 28 years.

but He who has called me to walk is greater than my fear;

i have seen many people come and go, and now... i sit here, unable to really grasp the reality that i'm one of the ones who has chosen to go.

i use the term "chosen" extremely loosely, because let me be clear: it is NOT me who has been driving this decision...

i've stepped out in faith, and am trusting the entire way...

3 years

Isabella Madison Bychowsky...



also known as Izzy Bee...



you came SO early...



and left us much too soon...



you were beautiful...



and i am so honored to have met you...


4.20.07 - 9.13.07 - rest in peace, sweet izzy bee.

my heart

(this is going to be all over the place.... bear with me)...
wednesday i had a rough day.
sometimes i get unhappy. i think about my life, and the struggles i and my family have gone through...
the tears i have shed over BOYS... over not being married... over not having a baby... over not having a perfect body...
sometimes i get SO ANGRY with myself for getting caught up in that sadness...
satan knows exactly what buttons to push...
those thoughts that creep their way into my mind... that discourage... that interfere and distract... that trouble... that suffocate my joy.
i have to snap out of it! i have to take a look around me. there is SO much good going on... and there is SO much evidence to me that God is indeed real and Jesus is very much alive and working in hearts of SO many...
it could be SO. MUCH. WORSE.
there are worse things than still living at home at 32 years old. (ugh... really??)
there are worse things than not being married.
there are worse thigns than not being a mother.
there are worse things than being overweight.
there are worse things than having that dumb wrinkle on my forehead from too much squinting.
let's take a look at the good... shall we?
- i have some pretty garsh darn amazing friends. and they allow me to love on their babies as if they were my own nieces and nephews. and they don't get freaked out. well, maybe they do... but they're kind enough to not talk about it in front of me :)
- i went out one day this summer, and stopped at a car dealership and decided i wanted to buy a car. so i did. all. by. myself. no one helped me. no one to steer me in one direction or another. how many women can say that? (ok don't tell me, let me just have this one, ok?)
- living at home allows me to travel. i am free to visit friends, to vacation, to visit family.
- i have an amazing job. talk about knowing God has seen you through some tough days but has COMPLETELY made Himself visible in so many different ways.
- i can totally do something about my weight, and i am! i'm completely medication free (anxiety and stomach presciptions - both of which i was put on because of my "ulcer") and have already dropped a small amount of that excess weight that i am CONVINCED i gained due to a combination of meds)... but it's a start!
- i'm healthy.
- i have a roof over my head.
- i have a college degree.
- i have a steady income.
i need to remember this on those days when i'm having a "my life susks and i'm not where i thought i would be at this point" kind of a day.

dear parents:

please stop trying to be your child's best friend by telling them things they have no business knowing. your job as a parent is to be just that - -a parent. you will, in turn, make my job much easier.

hugs and love,

val

life is good today

i just wanted to document today.

dad's retirement is coming up in a little over a month. mike and thea have thought it over a lot, and decided to make him something for his retirement gift.

let the waters rise

ok, new favorite song this week!

better than a hallelujah

i LOVE this song!!!!

life

i think today about marks the halfway point through summer. crazy. so far i have done a whole lot of... well, nothing. haven't been to the beach, haven't traveled anywhere exciting. i have, however, bought a car and taken quite a few naps. not really living life to the fullest, i guess. gotta work on that.

last week was my niece rebecca's 13th birthday. 13! although she looks more like she's 18.



i think it's the eye make up.

i remember when rebecca was born. my first niece. she was 5 weeks early and a PEANUT. oh how i love babies!

i digress.

i've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things lately. life in general, really. where is mine going?

it's never easy to admit when you're unhappy with life. at least it's not for me. and when i look back at the past few years, i realize i'm really not that happy.

i love the kids i teach. i really do. as much as some of them drive me crazy, i'm honored and proud to have entered the teaching profession and strive to be a positive influence in the lives of my students each and every day. i know their lives are far from ideal, and i just hope they can look back at their time in my classroom and know that i loved them. it would be great if they learned something, too! but to know that i loved them is more important to me.

when i was job searching, i remember saying ''i just want to find a job. my life has been at a standstill for 3 years and i just want some movement forward.'' i thought getting hired to teach would help change that feeling of my life being "on pause"...

i was 29, and saw myself in a condo by 30. (ha! didn't happen.) paying off student loans, credit card debt, adding a car payment, cell phone bill, "rent", and spending just because i can haven't allowed me to be as close to being debt free as i would like to be. i'm not getting any younger. i'm no closer to living the dream of being a wife and mom than i was 5 years ago when i graduated with my bachelor's...

so now the time has come to make a decision about my master's. honestly, it was something i was hoping i could avoid altogether because i am by NO MEANS a student. i have never been a fan of academia... just a big fan of the social aspect of getting my education. now that i have clean slate to start with, i want to hold myself to high standards. but, the problem lies with where to start...

do i take a step of faith and apply to schools outside of connecticut? what programs should i apply for? do i stop at a master's, or get my 6th year? then, why stop there? i was able to witness my brother's doctoral commencement and was inspired by the ONE and ONLY Ph. D. candidate in education. but do i want to stick with education?

i've thought a lot about nursing. i'd probably apply to an accelerated nursing's program and get my master's. last summer i talked to another youth leader at church about nursing and she offered to have me shadow her for a day on the labor and delivery floor. how AWESOME would that be?? if i'm not blessed with a husband and children, wouldn't it be cool to help bring a bunch of babies into the world?! i think so.

i took out part of a valentine's gift from 2 GREAT girls the other night, and 2 verses they gave me slapped me in the face:

"NEVER stop praying. be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances, for this is GOD's WILL for YOU who BELONG TO JESUS CHRIST." - 1 Thess 5:17-18

and

"commit to the LORD whatever you do... and YOUR PLANS WILL SUCCEED!" - proverbs 16:3

what great verses!!!

i'm not sure anyone will make it to the end of this post... but i wanted to be able to come back at some point and see how far i have come... because at this point in my life... i feel like i'm stuck on "pause" again........