conflicted.

ever been in a situation that you knew was being orchestrated by the Almighty, yet... it was one of the most difficult situations you have had to deal with in recent memory?

that's where i find myself tonight.

and i'm conflicted.

this past week i made a decision that has been 28 years in the making. while i am excited for what God has in store, i am simultaneously scared to death.

it is said that conflict is necessary in order for change.

the word "change" isn't usually welcome in my vocabulary...

i don't know anything else besides sundays groton heights baptist church.

and now that is gone.

my faith is such a huge part of who i am.

i think about the journey of my faith, and i see the people who have mentored me along my path...

the people who have loved me and seen through my adolescence...

the people who took me under their wing during my teen years.

the people who have been role models to me.

the people who have been Godly examples for me.

the people who i have seen Jesus in.

the people who i look up to, love and respect.

the people who i consider my family.

the family who God has placed in my life... all through the doors of ghbc... whether it has been for a season, or, as in many cases, for as long as i can remember.

it is so incredibly frightening to walk away from my family after 28 years.

but He who has called me to walk is greater than my fear;

i have seen many people come and go, and now... i sit here, unable to really grasp the reality that i'm one of the ones who has chosen to go.

i use the term "chosen" extremely loosely, because let me be clear: it is NOT me who has been driving this decision...

i've stepped out in faith, and am trusting the entire way...

3 years

Isabella Madison Bychowsky...



also known as Izzy Bee...



you came SO early...



and left us much too soon...



you were beautiful...



and i am so honored to have met you...


4.20.07 - 9.13.07 - rest in peace, sweet izzy bee.

my heart

(this is going to be all over the place.... bear with me)...
wednesday i had a rough day.
sometimes i get unhappy. i think about my life, and the struggles i and my family have gone through...
the tears i have shed over BOYS... over not being married... over not having a baby... over not having a perfect body...
sometimes i get SO ANGRY with myself for getting caught up in that sadness...
satan knows exactly what buttons to push...
those thoughts that creep their way into my mind... that discourage... that interfere and distract... that trouble... that suffocate my joy.
i have to snap out of it! i have to take a look around me. there is SO much good going on... and there is SO much evidence to me that God is indeed real and Jesus is very much alive and working in hearts of SO many...
it could be SO. MUCH. WORSE.
there are worse things than still living at home at 32 years old. (ugh... really??)
there are worse things than not being married.
there are worse thigns than not being a mother.
there are worse things than being overweight.
there are worse things than having that dumb wrinkle on my forehead from too much squinting.
let's take a look at the good... shall we?
- i have some pretty garsh darn amazing friends. and they allow me to love on their babies as if they were my own nieces and nephews. and they don't get freaked out. well, maybe they do... but they're kind enough to not talk about it in front of me :)
- i went out one day this summer, and stopped at a car dealership and decided i wanted to buy a car. so i did. all. by. myself. no one helped me. no one to steer me in one direction or another. how many women can say that? (ok don't tell me, let me just have this one, ok?)
- living at home allows me to travel. i am free to visit friends, to vacation, to visit family.
- i have an amazing job. talk about knowing God has seen you through some tough days but has COMPLETELY made Himself visible in so many different ways.
- i can totally do something about my weight, and i am! i'm completely medication free (anxiety and stomach presciptions - both of which i was put on because of my "ulcer") and have already dropped a small amount of that excess weight that i am CONVINCED i gained due to a combination of meds)... but it's a start!
- i'm healthy.
- i have a roof over my head.
- i have a college degree.
- i have a steady income.
i need to remember this on those days when i'm having a "my life susks and i'm not where i thought i would be at this point" kind of a day.

dear parents:

please stop trying to be your child's best friend by telling them things they have no business knowing. your job as a parent is to be just that - -a parent. you will, in turn, make my job much easier.

hugs and love,

val

life is good today

i just wanted to document today.

dad's retirement is coming up in a little over a month. mike and thea have thought it over a lot, and decided to make him something for his retirement gift.